This is a rant – please skip if you don’t care.
Like I’m so over everything. Recently, I’ve felt like I’ve had to step every so carefully with everyone. Everything I say is rude or offensive or dismissive. Now I constantly self reflect so I do take the time to evaluate how I’ve spoken to someone or treated them. But more and more I’m realising that people are just extra or dumb – put plainly.
First there was work
I recently left a job I just started and was really looking forward to. I felt like I wasn’t guided much and was expected to just know everything and was continuously disappointing people when in reality there was no real training. In addition, the management within themselves couldn’t decide what they wanted me to do and would have a go at each other then me about it??? I was super depressed for the two weeks I worked there because I felt like I was useless and couldn’t please anyone when really I was just trying to do what I was told. In my first week I was told off for trying to do things my own way so in the second week I followed every single instruction to the T and I was told of for not using my initiative. Lol as I type this I’m in tears because I’m remembering how lost and confused I felt and I’m still kind of feeling that way. Anyways, at the end of both weeks there was a review and the second week review made no sense.
Okay so this was the week of my birthday right. I was new to the job so I didn’t wanna ask for my birthday off but I asked to leave early since my friend had planned to go out. That day I’d worked extra bad and did so much. I worked through my lunch and called one of my managers to ask if I could leave and hour earlier since I didn’t take lunch. She said yes. During my review on Friday she turned on me and said I shouldn’t have done that because she was in the middle of an appointment and that shows I have the wrong attitude for work… I’ve never been so confused in my life. Her partner then continued to say that I had a bad attitude because one day I came in and said I was tired. This is a space that claimed to be a relaxed working space and yet me expressing that I was tired or ill was a problem. I left that very day. I just couldn’t be in that space anymore. And since then I’ve felt like over the past two weeks I just keep getting things wrong.
On my actual birthday I had a great time with one of my friends but I was late due to road works etc. And for the whole first half they just kept having a go about it? Lol I felt so bad – it stopped feeling like my birthday so quick.
On the Saturday i was supposed to have a dinner with all my friends but literally only 2 turned up aside from the friends who were hosting the dinner. Now birthdays aren’t that deep I know but this has happened twice in a row – everyone just not being bothered. I don’t ever wanna celebrate my birthday ever again if I’m being honest. But let’s not even go into this one that much. I guess intd.
I’m “condescending” or “dismissive”
Bruv. I’ve also decided that from this day on I will behave like I know nothing about anything. Me sharing knowledge is a problem. Statements like “as a writer” or “I’ve studied xyz” are apparently a problem. When debating with people I try not to be disrespectful until I feel disrespected. I try not to minimise anyone until I feel like they’re just being outrageous or rude to me. I do have my moments when I’m like “what the hell are you on about” when someone says something crazy but generally speaking I try to maintain respect.
But lately me just being me is offensive? I can’t say or do anything without offending people? I don’t know how to share my experience or knowledge without hurting anyone at this point. I’m already socially awkward and really struggle to communicate with people. I’m trying to talk to people and everything I say or do is offensive somehow? I don’t know who to be because I thought I was a nice person. Idk what to change or how to place myself in this confusing world. And I can feel a panic attack pending because I’m not sure what to do or who to become. I think it’s time to close myself off from the world again. Nothing I do is appreciated. I feel like I have very few real friends who support me. And even the ones that I have don’t value me the way I value them. I feel like a nobody and I feel so lost and confused. Sorry this is a repetitive rant.
I have a firm belief that we’re all a family as humans but especially as black people. I do my best to support everyone people who I’ve never ever known. But they either air and think I’m begging it (I’m too shy to beg convo with you I’m tryna help grow your brand fool), not show the same support back or again find something dumb to be offended by. I’m not supporting anyone anymore. I’m doing my own thing now. I remember there was a time when I used to just check on bare random Twitter people. When they’d tweet something was wrong I’d rush to do counsellor. But there’s zero gratitude. I don’t ever do things to receive anything back but basic respect? Listen take it to the alter because I’m over everyone – suffer alone. I don’t care anymore.
I’m gonna shut up because I need to stop crying but I’m sorry for me being me – working on it?