“Nothing will knock you down quicker than offering the best of yourself to someone and it still not being enough.” – M.W. Poetry.
Intro of some sort
Okay so recently I’ve messed up my entire sleeping pattern because I left work (we’ll talk about that in my end of year post) and my other job is an evening one so no reason to be up early. This post was supposed to go before that random heart felt rant I made that probably made very little sense, however, now that you know how I feel this post is a lot clearer.
Anyways, I was scrolling through Twitter and on the in case you missed it I saw this tweet:
So I went to look at the bloody header init looool. And it was the featured image of this post. Now initially all I saw were the words “how to be enough for someone” – I couldn’t even take in the joke that it was being typed into the pornhub search bar but I could heavily relate.
Right here, right now I don’t feel like I’m enough for anybody. I feel like a waste of space with no real direction in life. Maybe I’m being dramatic because I have the next 4-5 years clearly mapped out with all achievable goals. But somehow I feel so distant from that person – I’m not her yet and so I’m not even enough for myself? So the picture really triggered me because it didn’t even say how to be enough for someone – just how to be enough – as in worth existing lol (it was like 3 am so I was in my feelings). But I started to think of all the ways that I’m inadequate. All the reasons why someone else wouldn’t see me as being enough. All the reasons why my life feels so stagnant. Now I don’t know what made him make that his header but at that time of night all I could think about was how much I related to it.
Seriously – how do you become enough for someone?
First of all – you don’t. Like tf? The problem with the word “enough” is that it suggests some sort of limit or quota that you have to reach I order to satisfy the needs of someone else and that’s straight up insane. In fact let’s be extra and ask Siri for the exact definition of enough:
(And a determiner is: a modifying word that determines the kind of reference a noun or noun group has, for example a, the, every.)
“As much as required”. Like what even is that lol being only as much as required for someone else? That’s kinda crazy yet for some reason we all just wanna be enough. And this is what I mean by it placing a limitation of how much value you add to someone else’s life – being enough isn’t enough. Not even for yourself. But then you cannot burden yourself with going above and beyond for everyone all the time. When you do that, you neglect your own reality, your own challenges, your own trauma. There was a time when I was therapist, bank account, love, peace, pleasure, etc for several people and that drained me entirely. Being there for someone is all that you need to be – just be there in whatever capacity you can be without causing detriment to yourself. Trying to be everything to everyone will not help you be enough for yourself.
How to be enough for yourself?
You deserve more than enough – in fact you are more than enough. This is what I had to tell myself when I woke up later on. But in terms of confidence, this year has been an uphill battle. I’ve always been quite bubbly but after have several traumatic events occurred in my childhood, I’ve become awkward, withdrawn and just very shy. People in groups scare me – actually anyone does loooool. And I started 2019 with the goal to change that, but I didn’t get far because whenever something in my life would go wrong I’d sit in the dark for hours and think about reasons I’m not good enough to be around other people. Part of this was made worse by the fact that I started the year in a verbally abusive relationship which honestly destroyed my Confidence even more and created even more insecurities. I already didn’t feel like enough but after that I felt 10x worse. Massive thanks to my friends Rejoice (@RejiYates) and Adi (@AdiBacelar) for literally dragging me to events this summer because I would’ve sat in my room like egg. But having fun and socialising is also a key part of being more than enough for yourself. Anyone who knows me knows that I’m a workaholic. At that time I was balancing 3 jobs and uni. It definitely started as a coping mechanism to ignore everything else in life but I kinda never stopped. So taking the time to just pause and enjoy yourself is an important part of self love. Sometimes, when we don’t see the fruits of our labour we want to just keep going and going and going which again will leave you exhausted and with no room or time to love yourself and be there for yourself.
A massive part of being enough for your self is self love. You can not grow and improve and be more for yourself if you can’t love yourself at any point, in any situation and circumstance in life. Even when things are going terribly wrong.
I’m not sure if this post even made any sense but I hope you get where I was going – you are enough – you are more than enough. Be there for the people you love but trying to give everything to everyone will leave you empty and worn out. That being said don’t be an idiot. Life is only as good as you make it – you must have a plan to reach your goals. You must aim towards happiness and success. Otherwise you really aren’t being enough for yourself….
Hmm – just think about it x