Genesis 2:24: “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.”
This particular post has been pending forever but it’s taken ages to get out and I’m so so sorry especially to Manny (sksksksk❤️).
Welcome back to my now very consistent blog. Loool. This particular post was inspired by a conversation I was having with my friend @mxnnyade – (check out links at the bottom of the post) about marriage.
What Does Marriage Mean to Me?
So before anything I just want to lay out what I think marriage is and why I think it’s important even though my opinion on being in one fluctuates very much.
Marriage is something that was instituted by God when he created Eve from Adams rib in the garden of Eden. There’s plenty of bible verses about it all.
So to me marriage isn’t something I’d just do anyhow. It’s not a man made thing. Yes as living creatures we yearn for companionship and comfort but you can have that without marriage. Marriage is the spiritual binding of two into one in the eyes of everyone and most importantly God. So it’s a pretty big deal.
Some of my reasons to get married (I have way more):
– I don’t want to be alone. I want to spend the rest of my life with “the one”.
– Any previous relationship I’ve ever been in hasn’t been great (partially my fault – I take full accountability for making poor choices). But I felt like I didn’t deserve to be with someone who actually was worth my time or my type. This is why I don’t think I’m dating again until I’m marriage ready or I meet “the one”.
– There have been many points in my life where I haven’t felt supported. Having someone who is always in your corner and you can always go to when things aren’t okay >>
– I wanna segz without God side eyeing me for fornicating. Since fornication is a sin in Christianity and sex is a natural urge – please I need that. But on a more serious note I want a family rooted in the ways of Christianity and if I have my children outside of what I believe is right, I wouldn’t be leading by example.
– This one’s a bit shallow but I just want that feeling of being chosen to be someone’s wife and mother to their children. What a flex?!
So What Were Manny and I Discussing?
I was talking to Manny about a few things that were happening around me and I suddenly realised that off social media and in the real world, I knew no couples who were married and happy. Now if marriage was made by God surely he didn’t make it so that we could go from being single and happy to being stuck with this person “until death do us part” and unhappy?? And so I realised that I was aiming to have something I’d never seen before.
I’ve seen rich people – I know what it looks like. I’ve seen success – I know what that looks like. Therefore I feel comfortable to aim for those things. But I don’t know any truly happy couples and so I don’t feel safe or comfortable with the idea of aiming to have something I’ve never seen work for anyone else I actually know. I’m very scared of the idea of being married because no one I know personally is both happy and married. Plus I haven’t yet been in a relationship that I look back at and feel went well.
Divorce – How I feel about it and why it happens
I can’t lie, once the ring is one my finger there’s not going back. There is no divorce. I don’t believe in it. But I’ve seen people who get into a marriage and like me do not believe in divorce and swear it won’t happen… Then it does.
Despite the twitter stereotype, I’m super self aware and generally I know when I’m wrong and can take accountability for it. That’s not to say that I’m perfect or the perfect potential partner but I’ve made enough mistakes to know what not to do. I continuously challenge and evaluate my own behaviour. If everyone were to do this whilst also communicating with each other I think we’d have better friendships, marriages, families, churches etc. But unfortunately not everyone does.
The best thing I’ve heard someone say about marriage is “If I could do it alone, I would’ve been married ages ago”. And that’s the problem. Marriage is not a one man job. The binding of two souls is a big thing and should be treated as such.
Another take on this, from my sister, is that dating is the problem with marriage. She says people don’t commit to relationships and would rather date around, sleep around or be in situationships with the easy option to leave whenever you want. Now that we have social media, dating and casual sex are literally on steroids. By the time you’re ready to be married you’ve dated so many people and not had to commit until now so when things get tough – you think about leaving because it is what you’re used to. That’s her take on why divorce is such a massive thing.
The Cons of Marriage/Reasons for Divorce:
a) Marrying the wrong person
b) Being too physical (as in not consulting God; I am Christian) this is how you end up marrying the wrong person in my opinion. I beg pray before you end up with mamiwata.
c) Being too spiritual (consulting God but not putting the work in to physically make it work)
Just because God signs off on a coupling that doesn’t mean you’re automatically going to be a fit. It just doesn’t work like that. You have to put in the work to find out as much about each other as possible ESPECIALLY if you don’t believe in cohabitation. You’re not gonna spend your eyes closed praying for 50 years of marriage – you actually have to physically love and live with this person.
d) External factors (Family, useless friends)
When he’s a mummy’s boy and does whatever mummy says and lets mummy disrespect his wife 🤢🤮
e) Growing apart (Ka… Hm)
f) Money problems
So many people just aren’t used to having to be open with their finances with anyone and so it becomes so hard to do so in a marriage setting. But I don’t get that because if you’re in a marriage with someone – surely whats yours is theirs? Why the lack of transparency?
g) Problems neither of you could control (not being able to have kids, freak accidents)
This kind of thing is awful. Some couples lose a child and that’s the end for them. I’m not sure how I would cope with such a massive loss and I’m going to need a bit more time and maturity to understand how couples overcome things like that.
Those for me are the main issues and there’s the fact that I’ve spent a lot of my recent years battling with the concept of romantic love. I’ve almost come round I think so that’s no longer an issue. Here are some statistics:
What You Thought
Both Manny and I decided to run polls on our social media pages to find out what you all think and here’s some of the questions and answers simplified.
Manny asked what makes a good partner and what 3 traits of a good marriage are as well as what leads to divorce and here are some of the responses he got:
What makes a good partner/marriage:
– Honesty and transparency
– Making God the centre
– Trust and Loyalty
– Great sex (although in my opinion, this doesn’t last)
Reasons for Divorce:
– Lack of Communication/Misunderstandings
– Families and friends who interfere
– Not supporting each other’s plans/dreams
Results and Conclusion
From what I’ve seen – we all know what the building blocks of a good relationship are. So I guess my real question is why we fail. Why haven’t I ever seen a happy marriage? The other day I was having a conversation on Twitter which I think answered all that for me and reassured me that marriage is the way to go although I didn’t feel I was being told anything new or unknown. I’m going to insert the thread and I want to hear all your thoughts on it. I haven’t really come to a conclusion on how I feel about the whole thing but I’ll definitely keep you all updated.
Until the next one, Stay Blessed ❤️